


Songbird

by MajorWolfe



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-23
Updated: 2017-04-07
Packaged: 2018-10-09 19:22:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10419489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MajorWolfe/pseuds/MajorWolfe
Summary: After her return from Kiev, Serena finds Bernie's ipod, over 15,000 songs from almost every genre and era imaginable.  Together they develop a system, where, when Bernie can't find the words to talk about her feelings, she sends Serena a link to a song as her way of expressing herself.





	1. Nickelback - Lullaby

Serena sighed as she saw the screen on her phone light up, Bernie calling her again.  She watched the name flash on her screen for a minute before it vanished, another message replacing it, ‘Missed call : Bernie (16)’  She couldn’t answer, didn’t know what she’d say, didn’t want to hear Bernie’s concern, nothing she could say would change anything anyway, nothing was going to fix this.

She laid, staring at her phone, a picture of her and her beautiful girl taken at Christmas, both wearing matching grins, matching paper hats at jaunty angles on their heads, Serena couldn’t believe she was never going to see her daughter again.  Her phone lit up again, another notification, this time a text from Bernie.  She sighed and opened it, even though she had no intention of replying.  The text was simple, a youtube link and three kisses.  Serena clicked on the link, not even bothering to read the name of her song as she closed her eyes in a desperate attempt to stop the tears that seemed never ending.

 ** _I know the feeling_  
** _**Of finding yourself stuck out on the ledge**_  
_**And there ain't no healing**_  
_**From cuttin' yourself with the jagged edge**_

Any other time Serena would have pondered the meaning behind the lyrics, had Bernie been depressed, suicidal even? Was that what she was trying to say? As much as she hated herself for it, Serena couldn’t bring herself to care, too caught up in her own grief, her own heartbreak to worry about anyone else.

It had been 3 hours and 28 minutes since her world had fallen apart, her heart shattering as she’d heard the neurologist call Elinor’s time of death.  That’s when she’d fled, running out to her car and starting the engine, remembering absolutely nothing of the journey home until she pulled onto her drive.

It had been 2 hours and 57 minutes since she’d opened the door, stepped into the silence, Jason in hospital and Elinor…” she shook her head, kicking off her shoes and carelessly letting her coat and bag fall to the floor, not having the energy for something as trivial as putting them away.

 ** _I'm tellin' you that it's never that bad_  
** **_And take it from someone who's been where you're at_**  
**_You're laid out on the floor and you're not sure_**  
**_You can take this anymore_**

She’d made her way upstairs, intending on going into Elinor’s room, intending on laying down on her bed, intending on doing anything that would make her feel closer to her baby but she’d only made it as far as the bedroom door, she couldn’t open it, remembering all the times she’d had a hormonal teenager screaming at her for ‘invading her privacy.’

That was how she found herself sat on the floor, her back against the wall, staring at Elinor’s bedroom door, the door her daughter would never step through again.  Serena let out a sob as she thought about all the times she’d watched her daughter sleep, even at Christmas she’d stood in the doorway, watching the gentle rise and fall of the duvet, Elinor’s hair splayed across the pillow like it had always done.  At times she’d even allowed herself to think of, one day, tucking her grandchild into that very same bed, an opportunity, like so many more, that had been snatched away in an instant.

Her hands had shook as she’d taken her phone from her pocket, curling into a ball on the landing as her sobs became louder, bleary eyes barely able to focus on the screen as she scrolled through the pictures, her mind replaying the moments shown on her screen, memories and photographs, the only thing she had left of the child she’d adored.

 ** _So just give it one more try with a lullaby_  
** **_And turn this up on the radio_**  
**_If you can hear me now_**  
**_I'm reachin' out to let you know that you're not alone_**

Bernie was worried about Serena, more than worried, she’d gone back to neurology after spending a few hours with Jason, only to find Edward and Liberty saying their final goodbyes to Elinor.  She hadn’t wanted to disturb them, hadn’t wanted to intrude but Liberty had seen her, pointed her out to Edward who’d gestured for her to come in.

He’d explained that Serena had left, that she’d ran from the room once Elinor’s death had been confirmed. Bernie had thanked him and offered her condolences, nodding in agreement as he’d told her to look after Serena, he didn’t need to though, she’d have done it anyway.

She’d checked everywhere, the office, the roof, pulses, the peace gardens but there was no sign of Serena, it was only when she noticed Serena’s car missing from the car park that she really started to worry, she could only imagine the state Serena was in, she'd barely slept for the past few nights and she knew Serena had slept even less. For the first time in almost 40 years, Bernie sent out a silent prayer, begging anyone who was listening to keep the woman she loved safe.

 ** _And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell_  
** **_'Cause I can't get you on the telephone_**  
**_So just close your eyes_**  
**_Honey, here comes a lullaby, your very own lullaby_**

She’d been ringing Serena for over two hours, not wanting to force her way in but wanting to know that her partner was safe even if she wasn’t okay, Bernie wasn’t sure Serena would ever be okay again.  During her time in the army, Bernie had thought several times, especially on her final flight home, that her children might grow up without a mother, never once had the idea of her growing old without her children crossed her mind.  Even just the thought of it, despite her strained relationship with Charlotte and Cam, was too much to bear. She couldn’t imagine how Serena would get over this, she did know one thing though, she would be with her every step of the way.

Bernie had left the hospital once it was clear Serena wasn’t there, she wasn’t on shift so she told Jason she was heading home and that she’d come to see him in the morning. He’d asked about Serena, Bernie said she’d mention visiting but wasn’t sure if she’d feel up to it just yet, suggesting Jason asked Alan to visit too, something Jason seemed happy to do.  She’d called Serena again before leaving the car park and again when she pulled up outside her apartment.  There had been a brief moment on her drive home when Bernie had thought about going to Serena’s but assumed she wanted space, instead she took to leaving voicemails, telling Serena she loved her, she was thinking about her and she was there whenever she needed anything.

She started leaving a voicemail every time she called, telling Serena she wouldn’t push her, all she wanted was a text, a missed call, a sign that she was safe and then she’d back off, give Serena as much time and space as she needed to process things, not that Bernie thought there was enough time and space in the entire universe to process losing your only child.

 ** _Please let me take you_  
** **_Out of the darkness and into the light_**  
**_'Cause I have faith in you_**  
**_That you're gonna make it through another night_**

The song had been an afterthought, she’d been sat on her sofa, a cold mug of tea in her hands after texting her children, letting them know what had happened to Elinor and telling them that she loved them and she was incredibly proud of them, even if she didn’t say it often enough when it came to her, she wanted to let Serena know that she was thinking about her, and selfishly, that she was worried about her.

It hadn’t taken her long to find the perfect song, sending the link to Serena, hoping that she’d click on it, hoping that she was able to click on it, that she hadn’t already done something unthinkable, that Serena understood what she was trying to say.

Serena understood completely, Bernie was worried about her but, more importantly, Bernie ‘runs off to Kiev after one kiss’ Wolfe was promising be there for her, promising to help Serena through the darkest days of her life. She closed her eyes, taking a shaky breath as the song finished, opening her eyes and hitting the back button on her phone, the action closing youtube, returning to Bernie’s message in her inbox, her fingers shaking as she typed out just three words, hitting send before she had chance to change her mind, ‘ _Come round. Please_.’


	2. Train - Marry Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of Berena fluff although that was probably obvious from the title!

Serena sighed as she flopped into her desk chair in the empty office, she wasn’t sure today could get much worse, not only was she another year older (and, in her own opinion, not very much wiser) but she’d spent most of the afternoon in theatre trying to piece a young man together after he’d fallen off his bike into the path of a van, something that, despite her best efforts had been in vain and he’d bled out on the operating table in front of her.

And if that wasn’t enough, Bernie seemed to have forgotten it was her birthday, in fact no one seemed to have remembered, not even Jason who had announced the night before that he’d be spending that night with Alan.  She’d suggested drinks in Albie’s after work with her colleagues but everyone already seemed to have other plans.

She sighed again, last year she and Bernie had spent the weekend of her birthday in Rome, this year it looked like she’d be spending the night alone with a ready meal for one and a bottle or six of Shiraz.  She couldn’t even remember the last time she’d seen her girlfriend.  It was only as she glanced over at Bernie’s desk for a sign that the other woman was still in the hospital that she noticed the CD player, a post it note stuck on the front simply reading ‘ _Track 12_ ’ she frowned but hit play, skipping through the tracks until she settled on the penultimate track on the CD, sitting back in her chair to listen.

**_Forever can never be long enough for me_  
** **_To feel like I've had long enough with you_**  
**_Forget the world now, we won't let them see_**  
**_But there's one thing left to do_**

A smile grew on her face, maybe Bernie hadn’t forgotten after all, it wasn’t the first time Bernie had used a song to let Serena know she loved her, in fact, Serena was slowly creating her own playlist of the songs Bernie used to express her love, playing it when Bernie was on a night shift, or the rare nights she spent in her own apartment, it somehow made her feel closer to the blonde.

She was so lost in her daydreams about Bernie that she missed the first few lines of the chorus, forcing herself to listen to the lyrics, the reason why Bernie had chosen the song she had.  She reached for the half empty bottle of water on Bernie’s desk, almost choking on the liquid, spluttering water over the mess on Bernie’s side of the office when the lyrics were repeated, Serena shook her head, it had to be some sort of joke, Bernie wouldn’t do that, she was committed, loyal, she’d certainly come a long way since her return from Kiev but Serena had never imagined her wanting this.

Her hands shook as the song came to an end and she reached for her phone, typing out just three words to Bernie, her breath catching in her throat as she pressed send, _‘Where are you?’_

She got a single word in response just seconds later, ‘ _Roof_ .’ Another text following instantly, ‘ _Come up?_ ’

Serena didn’t reply, dropping her phone into the pocket of her scrubs as she ran from the ward, Fletch sharing a knowing look with Morven as they stood at the nurse’s station before taking out his own phone and letting Bernie know, ‘ _She’s on her way!_ ’

**_Now that the weight has lifted_  
** **_Love has surely shifted my way_**  
**_Marry me_**  
**_Today and every day_**  
**_Marry me_ **

Serena had never raced up the stairs so quickly and she paused outside the final door to get her breath back and to pull herself together, whatever reason Bernie had for inviting her up onto the roof, it certainly wouldn’t be a proposal, Bernie wasn’t like that, Bernie had never mentioned wanting to get married again, they’d barely even spoken about moving in together, it was just something that had happened, Bernie gradually spending less and less time at her own flat, more and more of her things finding their way into Serena’s home until, despote still paying the rent, Bernie spent less than one night each month in the flat.  No, whatever the song had meant, Serena was absolutely certain that, no matter how much the idea of marrying Bernie had grown on her over the past 10 minutes, there would be no way Bernie would propose to her.

“Oh” Serena pushed open the door, her hands flying to her mouth in shock, she was wrong. The song she’d played in the office was playing again and seemingly hundreds of tealight candles flickered in the wind, clearly arranged to spell out ‘marry me?’ on the floor where Bernie was… tears filled Serena’s eyes as she noticed Bernie, down on one knee beside the candles, a ring box open in her hands, “Bernie” she whispered.

“Serena” Bernie said softly, her blonde curls beginning to escape from her ponytail, “Serena, I…” Bernie took a shaky breath, she’d spent hours practicing, writing notes and speaking in front of the mirror so this didn’t happen, “I had a whole speech planned out, but it’s gone” she admitted.

“Bernie” Serena whispered.

“I love you Serena” Bernie looked up at her, Serena could see Bernie’s hands trembling, “you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me, apart from Cameron and Charlotte of course, you, you’re beautiful, you’re strong, you’re, you’re my best friend, my partner, my equal and I would be honoured if you would be my wife too.”

**_Together can never be close enough for me_  
****_To feel like I am close enough to you_**  
**_You wear white and I'll wear out the words "I love you"_**  
**_And “you're beautiful”_**

“Bernie” Serena whispered, still frozen in the doorway, “I, I don’t know what to say.”

“Yes?” Bernie suggested, still down on one knee.

“Yes” Serena whispered, finally finding her voice and her feet, “yes, of course yes” she grinned, falling to her knees in front of Bernie and wrapping her arms around her.

Bernie smiled, kissing Serena passionately before nuzzling against her neck, “Happy Birthday.”

Serena tangled her fingers in Bernie’s hair, “I thought you’d forgotten, “I thought everyone had forgotten.

“I’ve been planning this for weeks” Bernie admitted, “Jason too.”

“But you’re rubbish at surprises, both of you.”  Serena was right, Jason and Bernie were both too open to keep secrets from her, she genuinely had no idea how they’d managed to keep this to themselves.

“It seems we’re getting better” Bernie smiled, kissing Serena again before holding out the ring box, “I think this is yours” she said softly.

Serena gasped as she finally saw the ring properly, “Bernie, it’s beautiful.”

“It was my Grandmother’s” she admitted as she slipped the antique gold and diamond ring onto the fourth finger of Serena’s left hand, “it was passed down from my mother to me, I erm, I planned on passing it down to Charlotte too but she suggested that I gave it to you instead.”

“It’s beautiful, it really is” Serena whispered as Bernie reached up to wipe at her partner’s tears.

“I’m glad you think so” Bernie smiled.

**_Now that the wait is over_  
** **_And love has finally shown her my way_ **  
**_Marry me_ **  
**_Today and every day_ **  
**_Marry me_ **

They sat on the floor for a while, until the candles all burned out, before Bernie helped Serena to her feet, “come with me” she said softly, taking Serena’s hand and leading her further along the roof to where there was an open bottle of shiraz on a small ledge along with two glasses, a muffin from pulse’s with an unlit candle stuck in the top of it, and a small bag that Serena recognised as being from a local jewelers, “happy birthday” Bernie smiled, taking her lighter from her pocket and lighting the candle before passing the muffin to Serena.

“Thank you” Serena chuckled as she blew out the candle.

“Did you make a wish?” Bernie asked softly.

“Oh, I think my wish came true the day I met you Darling.”

Bernie blushed and dipped her head, pouring them both a glass of wine before handing over the bag, “I erm, I got you a real present, but that’s at home.”

“This is more than enough Bernie, honestly” Serena opened the bag, frowning when she pulled out another box, similar in size to the one the ring had been in, “what…” she opened it to reveal a pair of diamond earrings, “Bernie, these are beautiful.”

“I erm, I know the ring will be a bit unpractical for the ward so I thought I’d get you something you could actually wear at work if you wanted to.”

“I love them” Serena kissed Bernie’s lips, “but I think I might invest in a good quality chain to keep the ring on when we’re on the ward.”

“Of course” Bernie smiled happily, “we can go shopping at the weekend.”

**_Promise me_  
****_You'll always be_**  
**_Happy by my side_ **  
**_I promise to_ **  
**_Sing to you_ **  
**_When all the music dies_ **

 

They sat together on the roof, Bernie’s arm around Serena’s waist, Serena’s head on Bernie’s shoulder as they drank their wine and shared the muffin, “think you can manage one last surprise?” Bernie asked, smiling and kissing at Serena’s fingers as the final piece of  muffin was placed into her mouth.

Serena nodded, “you’re going to have to tell me how you’ve managed to get so good at keeping secrets” she smiled.

“So you can use it against me? Not likely Campbell”.

Serena laughed, “it was worth a try I suppose, so… what’s this last surprise?”

“Come with me” Bernie hopped down from the ledge they’d been sat on and held out her hand, leading Serena from the roof.  Serena frowned and followed Bernie to the lift, her frown growing when Bernie pressed the button for the ground floor, “do you trust me?” she asked once they stepped from the hospital.

“Enough to agree to marry you” Serena raised one eyebrow.

Bernie laughed and kissed Serena before standing behind her, one hand around her waist, the other covering her eyes, “I won’t let you fall” she promised, leading Serena through the car park and into Albie’s.

“Surprise!” Bernie took her hand from Serena’s eyes as everyone broke into a chorus of ‘Happy Birthday’, Serena feeling her eyes fill with tears for the second time in less than an hour, the bar was full of all her friends, family and colleagues, the walls covered in balloons and ‘Happy Birthday’ banners.

“Auntie Serena” Jason was the first to approach them, “did you say yes?”

Serena smiled and nodded, “I did”

“Good” he nodded, “I thought you would when Auntie Bernie asked me if I’d mind.  I told her that she lived with us and she shared your bed, you two being married wouldn’t change anything.”

Serena’s smile grew as she heard that Bernie had asked Jason’s permission to propose, “she just wants you to be happy Jason, just like I do.”

“I know” he nodded, “I’m happy, you’re happy and Auntie Bernie’s happy, the world can go round.”

“Yes” Serena nodded, thanking Fletch as he handed her and Bernie a glass of champagne each, Hanssen having bought enough bubbly for everyone to celebrate the engagement of the two consultants, “it most certainly can.”

****_**And marry me**_  
_**Today and everyday**_  
_**Marry me**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to let me know if you have any suggestions for songs you'd like me to try and use :)

**Author's Note:**

> I'd love to know what you think if this idea, and if you have any suggestions for songs/chapters, feel free to let me know :)


End file.
